“Direct confrontation, direct conversation is real respect. And it’s amazing how many people actually get that.” Penn Jillette

One of the most deleterious aspects of communication is a tendency to avoid confronting unacceptable behaviours and detrimental interpersonal conversations.

So why is it people avoid confronting someone with a direct conversation? To  “call someone out,” or “name the elephant in the room.”

Is it fear?

Sure, and sometimes fear is justified in poisonous environments—work or home.

And then there’s the common belief that confrontation creates conflict.

On the contrary, it can clear the air.

But I think it’s more than fear; it is an underlying confusion about what’s okay and what’s not (boundaries) coupled with a lack of clarity (intention.)

People just want the “pain point” handled, which usually means changing (or eliminating) the other person.

That’s like wanting your tooth ache to disappear while continuing to munch on a candy bar.

And here’s the kicker—you need to get clear on your intention for confronting someone before you pull the tripper on it. I mean, why bother? Why make the communication at all?

Knowing what you don’t want ain’t near enough to get you what you do want.

Until we confront ourselves, first, and answer the tougher questions that drive our own behaviours, how can we confront others on theirs?

There are two basic intentions when we confront another person about something that has upset us:

1. A desire to understand—and create (clarification)
2. A desire to correct—and be right (justification)

I believe confrontation developed into this sort of fantastical beast to be feared because it’s too ugly and unruly to be seen in public. And it became ugly and unruly because too many people are motivated by the second intention, not the first, and fueled by emotion, not clarity.

A direct conversation predicated on a desire to clarify and understand is generally highly constructive; the other person usually feels respected, heard, and appreciated. It can build a bridge of connection instead of a moat of separation.

That which we sweep under the carpet will create a mound underneath: it’s only a matter of time before we end up tripping on it one day and  wonder “where on earth did that come from?”

It comes from years of side-stepping, avoiding, playing it safe. Because it’s easier.

Sigh…leading ain’t easy, folks.

If it was, everyone would do it.