“Learn to say “no.” It will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin.” ~Charles H. Spurgeon

I remember the first time I heard the phrase, “’No’ is a complete sentence.” Blew my mind.

Now, this was a long time ago, but up until that time (my late thirty’s), I was a ‘yes’ spewing machine.

I said yes to invitations I didn’t want to accept. I said yes to friends’ requests and parental instructions. I said yes to additional responsibilities and emotional burdens.

I said yes to almost everyone, not because I wanted to, but because I was afraid to say ‘no.’ I thought I was supposed to say yes, to “step up to the plate,” all the time.

That’s a recipe for resentment, and I got very good at cooking it.

Over time, I became increasingly unhappy. Did I know that learning how to say ‘no’ was a part of learning healthy boundaries? Hell, no. Did I know was afraid of even saying the word to almost anyone? Nope.

But I was very good at saying ‘no’ to myself.

Finally, I figured out that by saying ‘yes’ to everyone else, all the time, I was saying ‘no’ to myself most of the time.

First step? Figuring out what you do want, and giving yourself permission to want it.

But how does this apply to situations—work, for example—where you might be clear what you do want, but often don’t have to option of saying ‘no?’

You negotiate. You’re allowed.

You set some boundaries. Boundaries help others as much as they help you. They’re like doors in a house; they show people where they can enter.

I had a C-suite client in Europe—where dinners are often grand affairs—who had a very stressful job in a declining industry.

With three children and an equally busy husband, dinner-time was their only family time. But business doesn’t recognize meal times, and she and her husband always had interruptions that were important.

The thing is, just because someone send you a text or e-mail doesn’t mean you must answer right away. In my experience, there are very few real emergencies requiring immediate attention; there are, however, many imaginary ones.

We set out to reduce her stress level and improve her performance. I encouraged her to learn how to implement some ‘no-ness’ into her life by setting a dinner-time boundary with her direct reports, that she owed that to herself and her family, first, else she’d be no good to anyone.

Ultimately, she decided she would be completely unavailable between the hours of 7pm to 10 pm. She created an agreement with her husband, informed her team, and started to really relax during dinner.

And guess what? She not only freed herself from the never-ending e-mail onslaught, but she also freed her people, too, not to mention the longer-term effects on her children, who saw demonstrated their parents’ choice to put them first. A pretty good message for all concerned.

Think of a ‘no’ as a well-oiled door: keeps people from climbing through the windows.