“Should is a futile word. It’s about what didn’t happen. It belongs in a parallel universe. It belongs in another dimension of space.” ― Margaret Atwood 

Saying you really ‘should’ do something—or conversely, shouldn’t—communicates to your unconscious it’s something you don’t want to do.

Since you don’t want to do it, and since your unconscious’s primary purpose is to protect you and look out for your well-being, it goes to work to help you avoid what you said you should do.

Have you ever had the experience of reminding yourself of something in the morning, like call so-and-so, and then you go about your day, and when you get into bed that night and finally relax, your eyes fly open as you suddenly remember you forgot that one thing you reminded yourself to do that same morning?

Your unconscious did its job well.

The problem with ‘shoulds’ is that while you’re consciously trying to underscore the importance of whatever it is you want to accomplish (I should go to the gym, etc), you are actually undermining your efforts by coating your intentions with fear; if you don’t call Mom, you’re a bad daughter, or she’ll be upset, or whatever the negative consequence might be from your perspective.

Shoulds are a form of restrictive, punitive motivation. “If you don’t do/say/feel a certain way, you’re a bad, flawed person.”

That’s using guilt to motivate yourself and it just doesn’t work, at least not long-term.

One way to help yourself is to lose the word ‘should.’ Replace it with ‘want’ or ‘could.’ “I want to call ____ today,” or “I could go to the gym today.” Yeah, it may feel like you’re lying to yourself, short term, but long-term, it allows your unconscious to help your efforts instead of hinder them. After only a few weeks, you will want to go to the gym.

Also, how do you feel when someone tells you what you should do/say/feel? It brings out the warrior in me: “Oh, yeah? Make me.” Hardly enthusiastic agreement. But if someone says, “You could try (fill-in-the-blank)…” or “You might want to consider…” I am more inclined to hear their input.

One last thing about the way you’re ‘shoulding’ all over yourself: it’s a breeding ground for guilt and resentment.

There are no shoulds, just choices.

Make yours more conscious.

Not only will you travel further, faster, you’ll enjoy the journey a whole lot more.